FEAR vs FULLNESS> > >
February 8, 2010
I was just informed this week that I am a “doubter”.
I know it was not a “new revelation” however it has been quite apparent that it is hindering me specifically in my endeavors at this point in my walk of faith.
I have a deep sense that I am not the only one so I will share with you all my guts so that you might identify and hopefully be strengthening. I was challenged this AM by a particular devotional I receive called “She speaks”. It’s a great bit of voice that starts many of my days and helps me to see Jesus in my daily life.
This particular entry asked, “what do you fear?”… I think to myself… “what don’t I fear” more like it.
I have thousands of numbing voices throughout my day telling me I am not this, too much of that and a slew of other soul killers that keep me in a pit of doubt. I hate them but lately have found myself too tired to fight them. When I say lately I mean this week. Basically I have been on this journey for years with Christ but as of 2010 He has opened my eyes to the goodness that He has for my life in a new way (Isaiah 11:1) I was yet to see. This alone has been a catalyst for my work in January and some of February until of course that stupid monster of a liar came to me with his ugly voices again and said all those nasty lies.
So back to my story.
This week has been one of those hard to get up and “FEEL” my purpose… I know, I know… it’s not like me and honestly within an hour or four it gets better and I can see the Light covering the bleakness. But well I much rather that initial, BAM, and just spring out of bed and feel the energy of life pumping through my veins and go about to my various activities with passion and confidence. But as I said, not this week.
I had a bit of a curve ball. See my job as of now is part time and the people I work for basically told me that I was replaceable enough to be let go to pursue what they thought was my next step in life, Africa.
I know, are you hooting and hollering? Well I wasn’t> I was shocked and stunned and perplexed and drawn to fast and pray. When she told me Africa part of my heart leaped and the other sank. It was quite a predicament. I knew so badly that Africa was aching for me and I for her but then what about the “Story” project I feel that He has been so strongly talking to me about since last MAY?
I knew I had to hear from Him and of course He spoke! That day in fact, well that night… and then the next day and the next and the next… It was an onslaught of confirmations. I didn’t have that blurry, fuzzy maybe yes or maybe no… It was an apparent, BOLD, loud answer. It was hard to hear as well but relieving. See the hard part was telling people “no” that in the physical could only see “yes”. And there was my fear right in my face.
FEAR OF PEOPLE.
I have it to the core. Well, it’s something that me and Him are working on. He started revealing to me last summer my crazy man pleasing heartache. I hated to see it but it was more than apparent and all too controlling. It moved and guided my every decision. Half the time I didn’t want to be where I was, doing what I was doing and with whom I was with but with my passive, fearful self I stayed. I stayed all too long as well.
So seeing this large controlling thing of a bob in my life was nauseating and most definitely defeating me more than I defeating it. So in the last several months He has been teaching me that the word “no” can’t bite me. Yep! It can’t bite me! Whooo hoooo!
But what about when your whole life is in the view of your most valued people and they say yes and you hear no?
Well I learned that Yes to Him is most important and far more peaceful than any other yes. So I declined with an email that was labeled:
GRATITUDE and FORTITUDE.
Basically overerly thanking them for such an opportunity but declining because of a conversation with My Father and hearing what He had to say about it all. It was probably the scariest email I have sent in my life and it was so free-ing in the same moment. Scary and freedom are sisters, maybe even closer than that, maybe even God ordained friends.
So the next week was of course not going to be a walk in the park now that I am looking at it.
I declined an amazing plan to say yes to His plan. That’s a hard deal and of course saying “yes” to God will lead to saying no to man and opening that door up for the Enemy to prey on your fear of a thousand things. Such as, “will the dream come to pass? Will I fall? Did I really just pass up my dream to be with my dearest family in Swaziland to do something that I can’t even see yet?”…. You see the DOUBT?
So that’s been my every waking day. The doubt, the loss of a great, for a best… A best that is not seen yet might I add. It’s a hard story but I believe with all my hear that if this FEAR of not seeing, not finishing, not birthing this dream can be diminished then all things will indeed be possible… I read another devotional that is dear to my heart and the last line read this…
“WHATEVER OUR FAITH SAYS GOD IS, HE WILL BE”
So there you have it. The story of a pesty beast of a thing that I am battling, please pray.
I KNOW YOUR FAVORITE>
January 23, 2010
I love to WRITE but I can use a camera as well. I adore Highland Coffees that is nestled in the corner of LSUs north campus. I have spent loads of time soaking up the aroma and musings of the joint since I moved out my parents house in my early adult life. It just so happens that there is an incredibly large amount of wall space that local artist and wannabes have the opportunity of giving their best efforts for the onlookers of our cozy BR.
And just so happens that Clarke said I could do a show there!
I choose 15 of the most worthy pieces from my time in Africa in 2008. It was a 10 month stint so I got a variety of shots including orphans, widows and the ever boring nature shots. I can’t stand a shot of a flower unless of course there is some sortof friend of mine standing by it. Thanks for that revelation Jim Thornber.
Nonetheless it’s my beloved Swaziland and all it’s warm faces that brighten my world in a way otherwise impossible.
At the very least these pictures are the stories that usually get overlooked, abandoned and never told.
My heart is beating for the names behind the faces and sees that now more than any other time is a time of “telling”.
Dave Ohlerking once said that, “once you visit Africa physically you visit it everyday thereafter in your mind”.
It is true and it is deep. Africa is a place unlike this one I live in now. It’s one with so little of anything that lacking is a normalcy. It has stories that we in comfy America will never experience. It has stories that will mar a soul if it is opened at just the right amount. I love Africa but what I love more is the God of Africa, the God of this world, whom knows no difference from place or people group. Whom only knows the sound of a human heart and the ache of a desperate soul. I revel in my knowledge of Him, well that is for today at least, for this moment in my cushy, well air conditioned nicely spread out house.
Rambling now… Here’s the show…
DO ENJOY….
Haiti.
January 17, 2010
I have been mulling over the Haiti issue for days now. I have not watched the news like many of you I am sure have been. Television is a luxury I put at the dead end of my desire list. I have however been regularly checking the New York Times for their recent pictures and articles on the tragedy.
There are thousands of pictures. Some more graphic than others but all terribly gut wrenching. I spend a awful amount of time examining a picture. From top to bottom, left from right. I am constantly taking in every single bit. I printed several of them out and put one on the backdrop of my computer to remind me of the “ongoing incident”.
I saw this one as I opened up my web browser this afternoon.
Her name is Natalie and it reads this…
Devastated
Natalie Tijor cries on the street after loosing both of her parents in the earthquake that has decimated Port-au-Prince.
I sat in awe. I have been grieved to the point of frustration over this event. My mind whirls as I try to figure out how such a monumental event will forever paralyze a nation. I think what else it does is hits me deeply on a personal level.
I can’t help but look at my heart in this matter. I feel this deep conviction in my life. It shakes my heart bad. Realizing that this life is terribly too short and our time here has NOTHING to do with what’s “here” but what’s around, what’s invisible to our earthly view.
I don’t know how to maintain this constant “view” of life but I am sure it has something to do with my heart. “For where your treasure lies, there also will your heart be” (Jesus). It makes me want to know where is my treasure. Can I name them? And if I name them, would I want to do it out loud?
Again, this is just thinking while writing.
All I know is that Natalie, the one in Port ta Prince is now an orphan. She has no home I am sure no people to call her home. Not only that but her sense of reality is forever scarred. She will never be the same. All things so once held as important or worth something I am sure is fading into the background of her new view. I ache to think of her spot in this universe right now. So broken, so alone. In need. In a desperate need. It’s as if she got pushed off the cliff she was just looking out off of. She was pushed with that kindof pain that leaves a bad taste in your mouth and in your gut. She didn’t ask to be pushed. She most certainly doesn’t know how to fly either. But my hope is that she will learn. She will spread those wings of hers and take flight.
Lord.
You are all we have to cry out to.
Dad, please take care of Natalie. Take her in your arms today and hold her against you as this pain swirls around her. Send someone that is crazy about you into her life. Send multiple people that are so in love with you that they can’t help but to reach out and be your physical hands and feet.
Lord move in Natalie’s life. Take what the enemy has used for harm and turn it to good. Only You can move in this situation. Lord take care of your people today.
it’s about “Soul Morphing”.
January 10, 2010
I feel compelled to write about something, anything… I am aching to get out what’s been on the in.
I have had more than I ever thought could occur over the last several weeks happen.
There’s been a shift in Natalie.
A shift in thinking, which extends to acting and into being and thus changes a person from one thing into another.
I can only explain its catalyst as “grace”. The only cause can be said to be supernatural. Mainly cause I know without a doubt that my “greatest efforts” are pale in comparison to these effects I am feeling.
I can only call this one thing: SOUL MORPHING!
09 was filled with wonder and beauty, need and desperation, shaking and aching, moving and uprooting.
I traveled back to my 2nd home in Swaziland not once but twice by God’s provision and tenderness. I was in my first wedding to one of my dearest friends. I was surrounded by God’s tangible love in ways I never envisioned possible. I signed on for a job that was teaching abstinence to youths, a message I disregarded in my own youth. I encountered my greatest enemy: my mind. I looked my past in it’s face and settled the score, something that could have never had happened until the stars aligned completely perfect.
I learned more than I asked for or imagined I could. I pressed in to Him in ways that I thought were only for other people. I faced dark areas of my heart, mind and soul that I would have gone a lifetime without addressing unless for His grace. I realized that the greatest problem is to think that there are no problems. And a thousand other things that I never anticipated in the beginning of 09.
There was a pressing. A breaking that was slow and steady throughout the whole year. It attached itself to every area of my life. My friends, my family, my work, my leisure, my everything. It’s as if God specifically positioned me for such catastrophic effects on my life. For a rational mind that alone caused pandemonium. I learned that my life is so much less about what I am doing and so much more about what God wants to do in me and thus producing His glory through me.
My best efforts failed. My highest hopes slipped away from my grip. The ease of my sanity was stirred and assaulted and I was left with nothing but Him and the gracious ones that He placed around me. I was taught how to sing in the night and how to cry in the day. I was taught that nothing else matters but my relationship to my beloved, my Father, my Creator.
I looked back on 09 in December and again with His pouring of grace felt gratitude seep into my deepest parts. I realized how crazy in love He is with me to allow me to go through this year with Him unharmed and stronger, greater in knowledge and wisdom. I thought gratitude was a word till December when I meet it face to face and was once again was wrecked. I realized that without 2009 and all it’s complexities, joys and failings I would not be half the woman I am sitting here. He showed me that Natalie is beautiful and loved and cared for and completely His. No amount of money can buy that kind of revelation, only blood sweat and tears from the soul and so for that I am grateful.
I will never fully understand what He is doing with any one area of my life. I heard the other day that, “God is doing a thousand things when really we can only see about ten”… I was comforted by that. It reminded me that I am just me and that He is the One and that without understanding that my life will be so much more frustrating. I am seeing more and more that my Trust to Him is far more greater when I turn my mind off and let my Spirit talk with Him.
It’s a terribly uncomfortable feeling to be caught in the midst of a “grip’s release” but oh the freedom to let go.
The easiness of relying instead of striving, of accepting rather than rejecting…
O the goodness of my heart beating in-sync with His. And for all these things I am grateful. I am so incredibly blessed my heart sinks with its weight. I wish so many things for 2010 but what I know without a doubt is that He wishes a thousand more. A thousand plus.
Its so cliché but I have to say the resounding theme is NEWNESS>
I believe for my own life that I have held onto so many things that are not what is to be identified to Natalie. I have for so long been categorized by x, y and z and He is adamantly saying that I MUST draw the line and allow Him to draw the line for me.
X, Y and Z have told me who I was supposed to be and that’s NOT God; that’s X, Y and Z.
This morphing from past to present, from old to new has been occurring in me for some time. It’s however ran its course and time for its completion. It’s time to let the old be the old and the new begin its fruition. He gave me Isaiah 11 the other morning… “yes, a new Branch bearing fruit from the old root”. What’s old will remain as the beginning of what is new. It will be the end that begins and that will set my wheels in motion.
The depth of this is indescribable. I see the past and all its implications within me and I see it’s limitations that it has caused in my life and it’s damaging repercussions. I hate the fruit and the trail of let down it has left.
And so I am left with a choice as we all are at some point. And I have chosen the blue pill. I won’t live in a false reality any longer. It’s time to get real. It’s morphing time.
it’s a CHAIN REACTION.
January 6, 2010
So I have always tried to wrap my mind around the complexity of a human chain reaction. Not some game of tag. Not a passing in the physical but a “passing of greatness”… “of God”…
“a passing of something amazing into the small snippet of people’s lives that we have the possiblity of being a part of.”
Think about it. It’s all day, everyday. It’s in the workplace, the car, the store… the on and on.. it’s what life is built upon and around… these snippets. And well in that bit of a of second or minute we pass “that thing” to the people we encounter.
I am sure it’s displayed on some commercial in some country, somewhere. This is no new thought but it’s just been something I am asking God about a lot lately. My thoughts are as follows…
“Being on our game is like having the radio tuned just right….”
You can imagine with me one of those old school pieces of metal that has the big knobs and few buttons, yes it’s called a radio… Well you know how you spin the knob and it goes from clarity to blurry in a second. Well that’s how our lives are in multiple ways. If I am tuned into to the right station it’s crisp and clear and sounds like a million bucks but if I am on that blurry area then it’s just obnoxious and frustrating.
So I am trying to fix my frequency. And in turn hopefully pass that good sounding stuff onto the people around me. You know in those snippets of time. Like I want my life to be sooooo in-tuned that I don’t miss a beat of anything or a “bit of any one” at that. With the pulling of a thousand things it’s hard to imagine a day of perfection, of completeness. I found myself in December falling on my knees saying something along the lines of,
“Did I do what I supposed to”…
I am sure we have all had similar moments and well if you haven’t: kudos. But for those of you who identify I feel that God is calling me STOP worrying about it all and REST in Him to find that satisfaction of completeness, that wholeness of mind and soul. I am sure without any time with Him would lead to those blurry frequencies. So I am challenging myself to FOCUS in on what He is asking me to do over the next several days as I am a bit behind on quiet time with Him.
It will make for a great start to the next 12 months and the next week or month…
It’s just plain ALL AROUND GOOD!
“I desire to pass on that which I receive from Him to that someone and I am the only hindrance of not.”
Still…
December 15, 2009
Still.
Waiting. Expecting.
Deciding.
Wanting. Wandering.
Planning.
You have a “place”.
It’s somewhere, this place.
This space just for me.
For me to pray, to play.
To laugh.
To teach my heart to pound and expound and to abound and to love my face off!!!
It’s a place, a space, a time for you and me.
To be.
To be nothing and everything.
The everything you want
and the nothing I do.
It’s for me,
from You.
Make that place, make it my heart!
“it’s a Wonderful Life” revisit…
December 13, 2009
Ohhhh, George Bailey….
“say brainless!“…
THEME: SACRIFICE, Giving one’s life for others.
…. “all that you can take with you is that which you have given away”….
“Each mans life touches so many others lives”… “When he is not there it leaves such a hole”…
“Every time a bell rings an angel gets it’s wings”…. “I want to live again, please God let me live again”…
Observation:
“Anything Potter steals from you or you accidentally leave on his lap; can be redeemed with the addition of getting something to play with”… in reference to Bailey’s Bank and Loan $8,000 being brought back to him!
… Hee Haw…. “To George, the richest man in town”…
“For NO man is a failure who has friends”…
and the best one….
Holy Ghost BAKE SALE>
December 2, 2009
So I sortof committed to raise funds for some buddies of mine from Africa. They are interns at the Healing Place Church in Swazi and they are coming to the States for several months to train under the Healing Place here. When I was told of the endeavor I fell in love with the idea. I requested to be the gal whom funded their airfare.
So here I am 7 weeks out from them coming and raising funds to get them here. All $3000 needs to be raised by January 13th! So I started brain storming. Bake goods. Everyone likes baked goods and Africa, yea… great combo. It was by God’s great graces that I was able to get into a Walmart to sell this weekend! So I rounded the troops and off we went…
Barbara Conti aka AMAZINGNESS in human form volunteered and did 5 people’s shares of baking and came both days to sell! The two of us had a phemenomal time on Sunday. I think delirium and boredom took over my speech and I had to let the words out. I think we laughed more than anything.
“Sweets for your sweet…. sweets for your Sunday evening, your Monday morning, your Tuesday…. sweets for a friend… sweets for your sweet tooth… sweets…. sweets…..get them while there still here…. while their still …. HOT….”
God moved HUGE though guys!
I was anticipating and believing for $500 but as you know… He always GOES Ephesians 3:20 on me and decided to bless the sale with $556! GLORY!!!!
And the MOST wonderful part of it all…. I GOT TO RING THE BELL!!!! You know the Salvation Army’s bell…. YEA. Well Tammy LET ME RING IT for like 10 minutes…. 2 different times… GLORIOUS….
This might be dangerous>
December 1, 2009
So he sought out to answer a question. He asked many. Should be interesting to say the least.
Triathlon!
November 25, 2009
So I am in!
I am signing up for a triathlon in the Spring and my training is starting NOW!
I need to be pushed, challenged and motivated and I figured what a better way than to push my body to it’s threshold thus far! I am excited and if you want to join me do feel free. It’s only like 3 miles of running, biking for 12 miles and a swim that shouldn’t be that long. I think anyone can do it with the right amount of time to train.
I got some new items which always helps to get the ball rolling….
These are my Vibriam 5 Fingers. The science behind it is that your arch is not manipulated and thus you have the best running platform. It’s a new concept but I can’t explain the goodness that I feel when I use these for my running. They were most definitely worth the investment. I have used them a lot! I also have my googles which are a must when in the swimming pool. My friends mom is training me for the swimming part of the deal and so I am off to a pretty good start!
Here’s to 2010!
“writers write”
November 10, 2009
If what I heard is true, that writers write like a runner runs then I am terribly out of shape in both areas.
I was up at 6am on Saturday and out the door by 7:15am. I was going to an early appointment. As I drove through my quiet neighborhood I was surprised to see all the random runners out and about. It wasn’t several yards and then I would see another one, trotting by… pounding the cement.
I thought about their devotion. I thought about how many people had not even peeped their eyes open in the world for the day and these dedicated people were already planning, enjoying and exploring this one.
I thought about what a friend of mine had said to me several weeks ago. Nat, “runners run and writers write”.
I sat on that statement several times since hearing them come out of her mouth.
I haven’t been dedicated to either my physical activity nor my writing. One is much more important than the other in my heart. The writing. I know He has told me to write the story of my life and the lives of many others. I know that they aren’t going to write themselves. I know that without severe discipline it won’t happen, not for this highly ADHD woman.
So organization and planning have come to be my allies and I pray their company completes their intention. Pray for us.
She’s got her ticket.
November 8, 2009
I haven’t been completely real. There is probably a hundred things about Natalie that you don’t know. Or it might just feel like 100! Part of me is swayed by the naysayers whose opinion is for me to keep it all to myself. The other larger part of me can only hear the unrelenting voice that propels me into transparency and vulnerability.
I suppose we are all here at some point. A place where our body feels like a wishbone being tugged by two 5 year olds. Who’s going to win? Which one will end up with the larger piece? I know where my heart wants to end up. And I am sure it will because there is no place like this place I am.
It’s every bit of real this place you know. It’s heart affecting real and that’s why I adore this place so much? Who wants a story that is filled with fulfilled desires of consumer living or paty cake relationships that end before beginning. No one likes the likes of those anyway and well if they do then we probably would run out of things to talk about anyhow. Or in the other larger case we would probably not even be drawn to each other in the first place.
It’s terribly hard for me not to be real. It’s just the mind I have. I hear about “masks” that people wear as characters not wanting the role they have been given or even signed up for themselves and I honestly can’t identify. It’s a terrible sadness I am sure but I have my own terrible sadness-es. I have one’s that to me seem to be the end of the world and I am sure to others they would throw their hand back behind their face and say, “ahhhh, that’s nothing”. But to me it’s everything and to the people that wear the masks, it’s everything to them.
And so we are all one in the same so to say. We all have that something or something’s’. We all pray that it goes away but the reality of these things is that they are the exact things that rid themselves of the very power they have over us. It’s not as complicated as I have just said. It’s quite simple. “What we let fester in our hearts begins to lead our hearts” and the only thing that should be leading our lives is Him. Not the masks, the secrets or any other ploys of the Enemy we all are familiar with if we are quiet enough to listen.
I have been challenged here lately to be real. Not so much to you all but to myself. And what has come from it has been the single most liberating happening in my life.
Thanks Truth, let’s talk some more. Bring Realness by too, we have somethings to discuss as well. And do bring lots of Time cause Lord knows these conversations are lengthy.
Story’s 1st “StoryPROJECT”
November 5, 2009
Hey everyone! We are working on raising funds to build a cinder block house for a very special family. Here is the story from a personal side of the whole deal. His name is Kerry and he is committed to telling their story in hopes for a better life for this family!
I am thinking we are going to capitalize on 60 second videos. As of now we are working on getting a web designer and get this BALL ROLLING on this Story project….
More than sticks and mud…
November 2, 2009
Once upon a time…. It just wasn’t supposed to happen. There was no rational way when looking at it. Financially, the resources weren’t there, and besides, Kerry didn’t have that burning desire to go to Africa like the rest of the forming team. Maybe I am not supposed to be on this trip, maybe I should NOT step out into this unknown?
Despite everything Kerry kept thinking and planning, a last-second out of nowhere donation of $1500 showed up. His faith began to grow and he knew that God had a bigger plan than he did. He pushed through the doubt of his heart and continued to pray from the complete amount. Somehow all the monies he needed trickled in from the most random of places. He ended up on that trip to Nkobe, Mozambique. A place that is the pictorial definition of the word “without.”
A woman of the area, named Raquel, had reached the end of her rope. She had no way of finding a job in such places as these so she continued to show up at the local church and serve the community. She soon found herself with no one to turn to but a missionary, Deborah whom served along side of at the Healing Place Church Mozambique team. Raquel told Deborah of her desperation, that her children were hungry and that she could not come up with a way to feed them anymore. Deborah did the only thing she knew to do in this situation- she came together with Raquel in prayer: “Lord, please make a way to take care of my family.”
She repeated this prayer daily and I am sure even momentarily until 13 days later there was a sort of a collision. See Kerry arrived in Mozambique and his team was hosted by Deborah. One day while working construction with the team Kerry saw a small boy from across the room. His name was Junior, one of Raquel’s children. Their meeting was not just coincidence, it was a God collision.
Kerry fell in love with that boy that day. Like many of the team members that visit these Care Points Kerry wanted to be a part of this ones life. Through Deborah, Kerry told Raquel that he was going to take care of her and her family. He knew nothing up to that moment of the prayer she had started to pray just days before, yet all the same he was the answer to her prayer. As we interviewed Kerry he said these words, “there is no reason these people have to go another day without food” and so he committed to help change their story.
Raquel’s life has not been the same since her meeting Kerry- but recently there has been a major change in her life. About a month ago she and her children were kicked out of the “mud and stick makeshift house” they had been sharing with ten other family members cause of a problem with one of the sisters. Without anywhere to turn she went to Issac, the pastor Deborah works with, and since then he has taken them in temporarily.
Like Kerry, STORY wants more for Raquels family. We want “more than sticks and mud”. We want more than hopelessness and hunger for this family. We want shelter, refuge, and safety. We want cinder-blocks, about 3,000 US dollars worth of them.
We are presenting you with an opportunity to help build, to help change Raquel’s sad story into one with hope, to change her story.
STORY wants a “happily ever after…” for this family.
Mother Teresa said once, “I never take care of crowds, only of one person. If I stop to look at the crowds, I would never begin.” We at STORY believe the same. We believe that we can change someone’s story, one life at a time. Crowds overwhelm but one life is tangible, one life is possible to change. And so we are inviting you to participate in changing someone’s story.
By purchasing a tee shirt for $20, every bit of the proceeds go to building Raquel a home… Consider helping to write a happily ever after for this family….
STORY cont….
October 29, 2009
So this is the beautiful Paramount Theater. Carole took this with her mad camera skills. (she read her book before she came to Chicago)
We made Donna take a lot of obnoxious pictures. She loved every minute of it!
This is the lovely Ben Arment. He is the director and creator and visionary behind Story09! He is exceptional and delightful. He gave us some tees at this point and asked us who we would like to meet. Of course I said Donald and to our disappointment he was sick 
There will be a day!
Ben was one of those sort of people that was super interested in what “you were doing” in life. Unlike those “Me MONSTERS” that consume the entirety of every conversation onto themselves. Carole was a beautiful, stunning addition to the group (Carole submitted her own adjectives) and opened a can of worms as she shared all about the DreamCenters that we are a apart of. It was a treat to meet Ben and he encouraged us with his story of Story which was birthed from 4,000 dollars, a dream and some connections. The huge thing was that he jumped before looking. He knew what he wanted and he went for it. He encouraged us to not just give ourselves with part of our lives but with ALL of it in the pursuing of our dreams! Challenging….
I learned a new way to dap.
And here was Carole’s GLORY MOMENT> She will never forget this for her whole life I am sure of it. Although she is over my shoulder right now telling me she is NOT a stalker she was indeed on a search for her “blog idol” and did indeed find him. Los was probably the most down to earth, pleasant blog-star I have meet. He had a hot red leather jacket ever that kindof made me want one.
And this makes me not able to breath cause YES I am obsessed and yes not ashamed! If you haven’t read anything by this guy you are truly missing out on life. He is exceptional. His latest book, “A million miles in a thousand years” tells the story of how he found “life” while editing his life.
The premise is that we are all living a story and that our story’s are determined by us! We create better stories, we create who we are and where we go. It’s compelling to read and a must on my list.
Carole MADE me keep my hair down ALL day! I know, she claims that me and Leuuuuugh need to consider not “up-doing” all the time! Shame. So here’s my happy face… I don’t think a second went by that there was not a smile on this face. It was an amazing day!
Thanks HPC… everyone up here is crazy about our church. So cool that we have left a GRAND impression on people ALL over the world! Hollllla!
MORE to come!
STORY Conference!
October 28, 2009
We are walking out the door, here’s the story behind STORY…
It’s hard to put into words the amount of excitement this trip has produced in me up to this point. I have to say, STORYChicago is not a Natalie idea it’s solely the Lord’s.
Come with me back to July. It was a regular Thursday. I had been in Donalsonville for what felt like 10 years on that day. The afternoon got better as I drove on the interstate back home into Baton Rouge. It’s as if all the load of the day was leaving the body the further I drove. It was a reflective ride; no telephone chats, loud music or other distractions from my thoughts. I am sure I tried to figure out my day in that 45 minutes, my life, all it’s bits and pieces and probably my lack of accomplishment pertaining to my job for that season. The longer I drove the deeper I thought.
I was meeting three friends for dinner that night. My dear friend, Kristin had begged for us to dine with two other friends of ours. The couple, Dave and Jean was an older couple from our church. They were the best couple to be around. They were passionate about missions and pros at being on the field. Jean had more wit that The combination of the couple’s personalities was enough to keep any person engaged for days! It was going to be a fine night and a memorable one come to find out.
I was early by about ten minutes and I walked into the restaurant to wait. As I bent down to sit on the bench I caught eyes with a familiar, welcoming face. It was our Pastor. He always seemed to have a crew around so seeing that it was just he and his son, Dylan, I immediately knew approaching him would be an ease. His table was in the middle of the restaurant and the way he looked at me I could tell he was open for an interruption. My heart probably did several things in that moment and all of me was smiling.
He said, “how are you doing?’ I told him I was well and told him I was meeting Dave and Jean. He listened and went quickly to the next question. “What cha doing these days”? I told him that I was in Donaldsonville and that I was on the grant with Church United till Sept 2010. He listened and then said, “so what are you really passionate about”. He was digging and I was enjoying the search. I told him that of course I was crazy about missions but I told him namely that the Lord had been putting it on my heart lately to tell people’s stories.
I gave him the briefest version I could of the “project” that I felt that the Lord had put on my heart… StoryforHisGLORY… that entailed the telling of peoples’ stories to show the hand of God in the everyday lives of people all around us. To show how God is still moving and mightily at that, from the depths of pain to the doorsteps of hope. And the 2nd part, “project stories”, that would shed light on people’s pain in hopes to raise funds to fix an immediate, dire need.
He listened and the excitement spilled out like a dam broke from my mouth. He said, “That’s funny, I was just talking about telling the stories of our church more today and he followed it up saying, you need to meet up with my friend, Ben”. He went on to tell me that Ben was putting on a conference that pertained to “Story”…. I almost screamed as he finished his thought saying, “the Story Conference in Chicago”! He was like yeah, when is that. I said, “October 28 and 29th”… I told him how I had emailed another Pastor at the church to find out if anyone from HPC was going and was told, unfortunately no.
He looked at me and said, “you email me Monday and we are going to send you up there to represent HPC”…
I about fell over.
He just kept looking at me and nodding. I wanted to jump, dance, yell… parade around the restaurant chanting something like, “YOU ARE KIDDING ME…. I AM GOING TO STORY”…. I think he could tell by the size of my eyes tripling that what was happening in my heart was more than just a good feeling.
I almost clicked the “register” button for the conference a week prior to this conversation but the Lord wouldn’t give me the peace to press “Buy Tickets”. I wandered why until that moment and now I was wandering “why me”? How could He love me this much?
I know this time in Chicago for the next 4 days will be a time in my life that I will call “pivotal”. I had a thought the other day when I was twittering. I said, “Story09 Conference, I will never be the same”. And I know at this point I won’t.
See the story has already begun to be written. I am expecting God to use this time to speak to me very precisely about the project that has been bouncing around in my head and heart since May 2009. Please pray with me as this story unfolds.
I know that it is prayer alone that makes things happen.
Repeat after me… “Lord SPEAK TO NATALIE AT STORY, speak SO clearly that she will NOT hesitate about what you have spoken to her. Open doors and grant her only the favor that her Heavenly Father could grant. And of course give her MORE than she can ask, think or imagine.”
IN JESUS’ NAME!
I do declare!
October 19, 2009
My Love, where have you gone?
I miss you, I need you.
My soul is thirsty for you.
My heart is empty without You.
They say You are always with me but my flesh is doubting my spirit’s plea.
They say You are my rock but my feet can’t seem to stand.
It’s as if I am wandering in some desert sands.
Looking…. longing…. Searching and Wishing…
You say that you are a Light unto my path,
but it seems that I am O too sad to see.
Your say Your love is long and deep
but I am lost in my despair and I only imagine defeat!
Oh Lord,
Reach your Hand there!
Oh Lord, reach where no one dares!
Reach to me and rescue me!
For my heart is weak and my strength is gone and all I have is this little song.
So reach for me, if You dare.
Reach for me cause You say You care.
I close my eyes to feel your touch.
The pain this heart feels is O so much!
I linger longer and HOPE does grow stronger.
My heart it sighs as feelings fade and doubts die away.
I trust you Lord my soul declares!
I trust you Lord as Your Hands prepare!
I trust You!
I trust You!
I do declare!
Now wipe these tears and also the despair!
Do what You can only do and make this heart not so scared!!!!
“Aren’t you MORE valuable than them?”
October 18, 2009
It was one of those days today. Bliss: perfect happiness, great joy. I couldn’t put my finger on the specific reason why it was so brilliant. It was like a great scene in a movie, all the shots lined one another and created a perfect-ness! From one scene to the next, I left with MORE than I came with and I believe they did as well.
I have to tell you one particular scene that had a build up of the past several days…
It was Thursday. I was running the roads frantically as usual. It seems I am always running, my mind the most but namely today physically on the roads. I pulled out my gloss. It’s a perfect gloss I got around December when I arrived back in the States last year. See it’s a splurge of a gloss. It’s higher end Chanel brand and I LOVE IT. It makes me feel pretty as a shiny car sortof gloss. I am a pretty particular person and so the same with my gloss. It’s also a ridiculous $27. I used to not think much of money. That was when I wasn’t paying for everything.
It seemed to me that this paper was indispensable. Valuable but nonetheless indispensable. To my surprise. Fast forward to the present. Me, my 20 hr a week job as of October and all my bills.
It seems strange to ask God for something like lip gloss but I swear that day in the car He challenged me to ask Him for a lip gloss. “There is no way that some random person is going to give me Chanel lip gloss Dad!” You can call me the GRANDEST REASONER around, to a fault I am sure of that. But in my head my case was simple. My budget is tighter than a size 10 trying a size 2… there’s no room anywhere! And so when I have been applying the same empty tube of lip gloss to my lips for the past week I knew this was ludicrous to even imagine Him telling me to “believe He could provide, if only I would ask”.
It was Friday now and He said, “why not”. I am sure my answer was somewhere along the lines of “crazy talk Natalie”. It was selfish for one and for two it was LIP GLOSS! But He persisted, “It’s Me Natalie and I am asking you if I can?” I couldn’t resist. I “entertained” the idea. I said, “okay, if this is you then make a way cause you know I ain’t got one”. Done. Said it. Still thinking I am ridiculous though.
It was now Saturday and I was applying the same empty tube I was the day before. Again I am thinking of the impossibility of me being able to buy a new tube. The sadness of being broke. The relief that next month is on it’s way and I was going to dip into grocery money for my new gloss if of course He didn’t (trailing off sound)…… I then wondered if my sister Mel would for some strange reason call me and say, “Natalie, I have all these lip glosses, why don’t I send you one!” See rationally reasoning again. But that’s as far as I could imagine. All the while I still had that deep feeling that I was not believing He could get manage on His own. Doesn’t He have enough on His plate? I felt trivial and then again selfish. I dismissed my wants and continued driving to my friends house.
It was somewhere out in Denham, LA. Not the sort of place I call home. It’s unfamiliar and as of now I have decided anything outside the city limits was officially “the country” to me. I got out my car and ended the conversation on the phone I was having. My friend since I was 3 was having a celebration party because she had just found out she was pregnant. She’s one of the 5 girls in my life called Kristen. I love that because Kristen (an, in) means, “like Christ”… so I am surrounded by some pretty good people! She trumphs the others in a way because our lives started with one anothers. I do not have many 24 year old relationships so it’s something that isn’t easily explained.
Her family is like my own of course and upon arriving there was long and loud hugs and oooohhhhs and aaaahhhhhs and all those necessary things that women do when they see other women. I hugged her like it was a lifetime since I saw her. I love a good hug. There’s more in a hug than arms. There’s conversation in a hug for sure and ours had a lot to say.
She brought me into the babies room and showed me all that she was planning for the next season of mothering. I was excited as a kid with a new toy. It’s something terribly wonderful about sharing these moments with your friends. As she was updating me on the colors and turtles and blankets and such her mom walked in and started listening. We were all physically close to one another like a team huddle. Jenny, the mom, pulled out her shiny tube of something and I squeaked, “is that Chanel?”…. Her mom is the glamorous type. To the nines all the time. Beautiful and proper. She fits into the top end glamor magazine sort of woman. She said, “no, this is just one of those run in the grocery stores and get one”… I said, “oh, okay, I have been into the Chanel ones… I love them… they are like the best”… and on and on about the glory of the Chanel gloss.
Kris looks at me and says, “come see Natalie” and off we go into her bathroom I followed her. It’s terribly clean, not like I remember and smelling fresh. She digs into a bag that is on the floor and pulls out a pink tube of goodness! “I have this one that I never use, you can have it!”…. I KID YOU NOT!
Chanel pink LIP GLOSS.
I know. I like to have fell on the floor, rolled around and let it rip! It was so Him. I couldn’t explain the elation that I was feeling. I gasped and laughed and threw my head back and my arm up and made the biggest mess as I told her the story of the past several days of conversation Him and I have had. It’s as if He was standing right next to me elbowing me in the arm saying something like, “see… that’s how I do it, and you didn’t think I could do it… ha… your best friend’s… never been used lip gloss… I GOT THIS”…
Trivial, coincidental, I THINK NOT.
So it just falls into the same category of the BIRDS… the freaking BIRDS….
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? _Matthew 6:25
He is passionately concerned with the details of our lives. PASSIONATELY!
You can see the bottom one’s sad emptiness, wand all white and without gloss But then you can see the beautiful-ness of the top PINK gloss!
Selah
LOVE>
October 16, 2009
If love was a hand she would have slapped me in the face today.
It’s as if she couldn’t care and loved to dare and step to the edge of the ledge and say, “I will jump, I swear”. She’s serious like that. Like eyes over a pair of winning Jacks. She wins with these skills and if looks could kill… well, let’s just say she would knock em dead and laugh at the thrill.
Love has spent her time with me today. She has captivated me and whipped me into shape…
It’s like she has no rules. She plays by her own and WINS every time.
I love love.I love to be loved by love and laugh at how she has made me more in love than before. How does something like this happen? It’s NO FORMULA I swear cause if it was I would buy a million dollars worth and NOT JUST ON SALE…
I love why I love to be loved. I love why love makes my world go round. I love how love doesn’t always love back. How she has a way of making you come around.
It’s a twisted game of love we play, but it is one that must be done.
I try to understand her and keep her and make a “safe place” for her to stay. But that’s not how she likes to operate. She is a wild one you know? With bouts and outs and times she goes, never staying to long to understand her flow.
I have seen her win in the pits of life. I have seen her win when there was no sight. She won anyway and everyday that I have let her play, cause she always wins, it’s who she is, it’s what she does and that’s why her name is “LOVE”…
She’s unlike those “other” ones. She is sharper and wiser and stronger and longer and she knows when to step down and she sees when her time is gone. She’s a smart little thing that loves to love and that’s why I hold her so close and that’s why I can’t imagine forsaking her love.
See she fights. She dies. She let’s her guard down. She punches and kicks and always is making obnoxious sounds. That’s my girl, the queen of the world! Her name is LOVE and no one can contend with her.
Love me longer love. My heart grows stronger, my days are longer. I have to have you close to me. Stay with me, fight for me. Don’t let me forget your love for me.
You are so good to me LOVE…
MySTORY> pt1
October 12, 2009
This is a draft of MySTORY pt 1 written by the one and only Leuuuuuugh Friedriches. I did some editing on it last night and will be publishing it as part of the StoryforHisGLORY project that is under development! I can’t escape the idea of telling people’s stories. I am currently working with several other people to put together a “project” that will be two fold. The first will be “HopeSTORIES” which will consist of stories from every kind of dimension that display the Lord’s work in a person’s life. The second part is the “StoryPROJECTS” which will focus on telling people’s stories in order to raise the awareness of their situation and allow everyday people the chance to “change someone’s story” by buying a beautiful custom tee based around their story.
So here it is… Part 1 of course cause unfortunately my story is one with MANY dimensions.
She’s one of those people that you do not meet twice. She is all of those nice things you hear people say and a hundred more. You can’t really put your finger on it but you know it has something to do with her love for life. I met Natalie Ashy Spera a couple years ago. Just a few years over 20 you could never tell the story that she contains.
Born and raised in Baton Rouge, La Natalie is far from your typical Southern girl. When you talk to her it is hard to imagine the pain that she speaks of as being her own. When she described herself as a kid she mentioned something along the lines of “a rebel without a cause”. Being raised by great parents and brought up with all a girl could have asked for. She still had a hard time fitting into the mold of her other peers. There is a quote I read the other day that said, “The cure for boredom is curiosity and there is no cure for curiosity.” But Natalie would soon find that out. She started finding things on her own that could bring more excitement to her life. After switching to public school for getting asked to leave the private one she got mixed up with the “bad crowd”. Her life took on new twists and turns. At the pinnacle of this time she ended up with friends in Memphis TN one night for a concert. After they drove through the night with alcohol and drugs as their guides she ended up in the same hospital that Elvis died in, only she was hanging on for dear life.
Typically a child this age would have immediately been scheduled meeting with her parents but instead the situation was thrown on the back burner when she got back home because upon her arrival back she found out her dad was given 6 months to live because he was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was a short 5 months later that her mother found out that she had a tumor on her brain as well and would need immediate surgery for it’s removal.
Within a couple of weeks Natalie’s life was turned inside out and upside down. The life she once relied on had failed her and almost took her life. Her parents current state left her lost and with a lot of questions. It wasn’t too long before a friend of her sister’s started reaching out to her with the message of Jesus. Natalie was immediately gripped. She knew there was more to life than what she had been living and she was desperate for the remedy.
Her mom had surgery to remove the tumor, but died 9 months after because of complications. Just three months after dealing with the passing of her mother, her father passed on as well after battling cancer for almost two years. At 22 yrs. old Natalie was left an orphan. Picking up pieces of her brokenness life never looked the same again for her. With no other family support, no parents and a life the world offered left behind she hoped that this Jesus man had more to offer. She began to piece her heart back together slowly through new godly friends, the local church Healing Place, which a friend had brought her to and the assurance that, “beauty would come from the ashes”.
Her relationship with Christ began to bloom and she continued to pursue this life altering relationship with God. She leaned in hard on the One she gave her life to and she opened up her wounded heart to the people that He began to surround her with. Psalm in 68:6 says, “He is a Father to the fatherless and He places the lonely people in families”. It was this verse that she held onto through all those days and you can truly see now that Jesus does indeed give a crown of beauty for ashes.
Her story is one of HOPE. It’s one that exemplifies JOY and PEACE in the aftermath of heartache and pain. God has truly redeemed all that was lost by bringing her into a new family, the church family that has been instrumental in her healing in becoming the woman God created her to be.
Natalie declares today that without Christ nothing is possible, but with Him all things are. He makes all things beautiful. Even the most ugly.
