NOT…

So yeah, lately… the past day has been extremely wholesome and filled with what???? Come on and say it with me, GOODNESS!!! Yep, strangely and surprisingly GOOD. See if you forgot that you are worth a darn or have “purpose” in life the Lord will provide numerous people to sort that right out of you, if you ask or He might personalize a whole page in a devotional just for you… GLORY to Streams in the Desert Nov. 20th….

For about 2 days I didn’t want to be sorted. I wanted to just be. To lavish in Natalie and well honestly, wallow, a pity party with the attendance of ONE. I am just being honest, it is the only way I know to be… really though, it takes honesty to say, “I don’t have it all together” and well that is where I am or have been, not “all together” and not trying to be. I am acutely aware of my “lack of trust” and well that is alright at this point. For one it has allowed the “Body” to be the Body  and two it has strengthened me from the inside out, not the outward in… if you know what I mean. 

As of now I don’t have a “plan” and that my friends is the SINGLE-MOST HUMBLING THING I HAVE HAD TO WALK THROUGH… you know, there’s this song that has been on repeat in my car since last Thursday… it’s by Shawn Mullens and it’s call Lullaby. It has been the only thing that makes sense to me over the past week. Lyrics: “it seems as if everyone has got a plan….. don’t worry everything is going to be alright”… I have been there, just meditating on the “being alright” bit. It is absolutely ego smashing, pride abasing and other such needed tragedies to stare at someone and say, “I don’t know when, what OR where”… so humbling… 

BUT GOD!

“But God” is however the trump card. He is…. well He is everything… He holds this whole UNIVERSE in the palm of His mighty Hand and well if that doesn’t excite you then nothing else will. Either I am going to stand on WHO I know my Dad to be or I am not. That is quite sobering when spoken you know. Either He is all that He claims to be or He’s not and frankly I have expierenced His goodness, His provision, His awesomeness,  His outlandish ways in the thousands upon thousands of numerous ways and well He isn’t just going to stop being God. Basically we are either going to Trust Him or Not. I have been choosing Not the past several days, because I am human and all, and well I have to say it has been pretty fruitless. It is 1000s of times better to step out of the dark, walk through the open doors, meet the Body in it’s various forms and CHOOSE to  trust the God who made me.

Interesting, this life we have. The more I try to figure out Him the more my head hurts and heart… I am voting for less ache and more Him. That’s all I know. All I know is that He is… He has… and He will do…. that’s all I got today. 

Endless thanksgiving to every person who has put their hand against my back and held me up through this, who has reached into my dark place and yanked me out, or just listened, or wrote an encouraging word or sang an encouraging song (one girl sang her conversation randomly in the coffee shop the other day and YES it brightened my day). Wow, thank you all.

I wish I had a lovely picture to show my  face however it would not express the gratitude in my heart. And my camera is broken….. No web cam on Krissy’s computer either or I would be using it…. so close your eyes…. picture girl in a burnt orange shirt… smiling warmly…. eyes BIG with excitement and heart spilling out with HOPE, then you will have me….