it’s about “Soul Morphing”.

I feel compelled to write about something, anything… I am aching to get out what’s been on the in.

I have had more than I ever thought could occur over the last several weeks happen.

There’s been a shift in Natalie.

A shift in thinking, which extends to acting and into being and thus changes a person from one thing into another.

I can only explain its catalyst as “grace”. The only cause can be said to be supernatural. Mainly cause I know without a doubt that my “greatest efforts” are pale in comparison to these effects I am feeling.

I can only call this one thing: SOUL MORPHING!

09 was filled with wonder and beauty, need and desperation, shaking and aching, moving and uprooting.

I traveled back to my 2nd home in Swaziland not once but twice by God’s provision and tenderness. I was in my first wedding to one of my dearest friends. I was surrounded by God’s tangible love in ways I never envisioned possible. I signed on for a job that was teaching abstinence to youths, a message I disregarded in my own youth. I encountered my greatest enemy: my mind. I looked my past in it’s face and settled the score, something that could have never had happened until the stars aligned completely perfect.

I learned more than I asked for or imagined I could. I pressed in to Him in ways that I thought were only for other people. I faced dark areas of my heart, mind and soul that I would have gone a lifetime without addressing unless for His grace. I realized that the greatest problem is to think that there are no problems. And a thousand other things that I never anticipated in the beginning of 09.

There was a pressing. A breaking that was slow and steady throughout the whole year. It attached itself to every area of my life. My friends, my family, my work, my leisure, my everything. It’s as if God specifically positioned me for such catastrophic effects on my life. For a rational mind that alone caused pandemonium. I learned that my life is so much less about what I am doing and so much more about what God wants to do in me and thus producing His glory through me.

My best efforts failed. My highest hopes slipped away from my grip. The ease of my sanity was stirred and assaulted and I was left with nothing but Him and the gracious ones that He placed around me. I was taught how to sing in the night and how to cry in the day. I was taught that nothing else matters but my relationship to my beloved, my Father, my Creator.

I looked back on 09 in December and again with His pouring of grace felt gratitude seep into my deepest parts. I realized how crazy in love He is with me to allow me to go through this year with Him unharmed and stronger, greater in knowledge and wisdom. I thought gratitude was a word till December when I meet it face to face and was once again was wrecked. I realized that without 2009 and all it’s complexities, joys and failings I would not be half the woman I am sitting here. He showed me that Natalie is beautiful and loved and cared for and completely His. No amount of money can buy that kind of revelation, only blood sweat and tears from the soul and so for that I am grateful.

I will never fully understand what He is doing with any one area of my life. I heard the other day that, “God is doing a thousand things when really we can only see about ten”… I was comforted by that. It reminded me that I am just me and that He is the One and that without understanding that my life will be so much more frustrating. I am seeing more and more that my Trust to Him is far more greater when I turn my mind off and let my Spirit talk with Him.

It’s a terribly uncomfortable feeling to be caught in the midst of a “grip’s release” but oh the freedom to let go.

The easiness of relying instead of striving, of accepting rather than rejecting…

O the goodness of my heart beating in-sync with His. And for all these things I am grateful. I am so incredibly blessed my heart sinks with its weight. I wish so many things for 2010 but what I know without a doubt is that He wishes a thousand more. A thousand plus.

Its so cliché but I have to say the resounding theme is NEWNESS>

I believe for my own life that I have held onto so many things that are not what is to be identified to Natalie. I have for so long been categorized by x, y and z and He is adamantly saying that I MUST draw the line and allow Him to draw the line for me.

X, Y and Z have told me who I was supposed to be and that’s NOT God; that’s X, Y and Z.

This morphing from past to present, from old to new has been occurring in me for some time. It’s however ran its course and time for its completion. It’s time to let the old be the old and the new begin its fruition. He gave me Isaiah 11 the other morning… “yes, a new Branch bearing fruit from the old root”. What’s old will remain as the beginning of what is new. It will be the end that begins and that will set my wheels in motion.

The depth of this is indescribable. I see the past and all its implications within me and I see it’s limitations that it has caused in my life and it’s damaging repercussions. I hate the fruit and the trail of let down it has left.

And so I am left with a choice as we all are at some point. And I have chosen the blue pill. I won’t live in a false reality any longer. It’s time to get real. It’s morphing time.