FEAR vs FULLNESS> > >

I was just informed this week that I am a “doubter”.

I know it was not a “new revelation” however it has been quite apparent that it is hindering me specifically in my endeavors at this point in my walk of faith.

I have a deep sense that I am not the only one so I will share with you all my guts so that you might identify and hopefully be strengthening. I was challenged this AM by a particular devotional I receive called “She speaks”. It’s a great bit of voice that starts many of my days and helps me to see Jesus in my daily life.

This particular entry asked, “what do you fear?”… I think to myself… “what don’t I fear” more like it.

I have thousands of numbing voices throughout my day telling me I am not this, too much of that and a slew of other soul killers that keep me in a pit of doubt. I hate them but lately have found myself too tired to fight them. When I say lately I mean this week. Basically I have been on this journey for years with Christ but as of 2010 He has opened my eyes to the goodness that He has for my life in a new way (Isaiah 11:1) I was yet to see. This alone has been a catalyst for my work in January and some of February until of course that stupid monster of a liar came to me with his ugly voices again and said all those nasty lies.

So back to my story.

This week has been one of those hard to get up and “FEEL” my purpose… I know, I know… it’s not like me and honestly within an hour or four it gets better and I can see the Light covering the bleakness. But well I much rather that initial, BAM, and just spring out of bed and feel the energy of life pumping through my veins and go about to my various activities with passion and confidence. But as I said, not this week.

I had a bit of a curve ball. See my job as of now is part time and the people I work for basically told me that I was replaceable enough to be let go to pursue what they thought was my next step in life, Africa.

I know, are you hooting and hollering? Well I wasn’t> I was shocked and stunned and perplexed and drawn to fast and pray. When she told me Africa part of my heart leaped and the other sank. It was quite a predicament. I knew so badly that Africa was aching for me and I for her but then what about the “Story” project I feel that He has been so strongly talking to me about since last MAY?

I knew I had to hear from Him and of course He spoke! That day in fact, well that night… and then the next day and the next and the next… It was an onslaught of confirmations. I didn’t have that blurry, fuzzy maybe yes or maybe no… It was an apparent, BOLD, loud answer. It was hard to hear as well but relieving. See the hard part was telling people “no” that in the physical could only see “yes”. And there was my fear right in my face.

FEAR OF PEOPLE.

I have it to the core. Well, it’s something that me and Him are working on. He started revealing to me last summer my crazy man pleasing heartache. I hated to see it but it was more than apparent and all too controlling. It moved and guided my every decision. Half the time I didn’t want to be where I was, doing what I was doing and with whom I was with but with my passive, fearful self I stayed. I stayed all too long as well.

So seeing this large controlling thing of a bob in my life was nauseating and most definitely defeating me more than I defeating it. So in the last several months He has been teaching me that the word “no” can’t bite me. Yep! It can’t bite me! Whooo hoooo!

But what about when your whole life is in the view of your most valued people and they say yes and you hear no?

Well I learned that Yes to Him is most important and far more peaceful than any other yes. So I declined with an email that was labeled:

GRATITUDE and FORTITUDE.

Basically overerly thanking them for such an opportunity but declining because of a conversation with My Father and hearing what He had to say about it all. It was probably the scariest email I have sent in my life and it was so free-ing in the same moment. Scary and freedom are sisters, maybe even closer than that, maybe even God ordained friends.

So the next week was of course not going to be a walk in the park now that I am looking at it.

I declined an amazing plan to say yes to His plan. That’s a hard deal and of course saying “yes” to God will lead to saying no to man and opening that door up for the Enemy to prey on your fear of a thousand things. Such as, “will the dream come to pass? Will I fall? Did I really just pass up my dream to be with my dearest family in Swaziland to do something that I can’t even see yet?”…. You see the DOUBT?

So that’s been my every waking day. The doubt, the loss of a great, for a best… A best that is not seen yet might I add. It’s a hard story but I believe with all my hear that if this FEAR of not seeing, not finishing, not birthing this dream can be diminished then all things will indeed be possible… I read another devotional that is dear to my heart and the last line read this…

“WHATEVER OUR FAITH SAYS GOD IS, HE WILL BE”

So there you have it. The story of a pesty beast of a thing that I am battling, please pray.